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A not so positive blog post

Rebecca Paxman

First thing first, I promise I’m getting somewhere with this post so read everything. I really wanted this to be a fully positive blog post, but right now I’m anything but positive. I’m sick, tired, hungry, and poor. I’ve literally put everything I have into Havenly. But sometimes, today especially, I get down right discouraged. I try my hardest to put a positive face on and tell you guys how happy and strong I am. I know I’m not the only one with a mental illnesses. Truth is, I have depression, ptsd, and anxiety all rolled into one.

I was diagnosed with Borderline a Personality Disorder while I was in the psych ward. So for me my emotions flip flop in a matter of seconds. I’m sad, then goofy, then really-watch out- mad, then content all within an hour. It’s literally my life all day everyday. It’s not like bipolar disorder where for months we are manic and then for months depressed. I try to push everyone I know away, including my very patient and loving boyfriend. And I’m suicidal, a lot. I have an emergency plan when I get like this. I stop, breathe, and call someone from my support system. But sometimes I’m really good at hiding it. And today, I’m definitely not hiding it. Another thing about BPD is, we are sooooo cruel to ourselves. I’m being honest when I admit I am the hardest person on myself. If something isnt perfect, I get so upset and frustrated with myself. Basically I am the most impatient and pessimistic person I know. But for Havenly and me, it’s different.

At every previous job I had, I’d get so suicidal before I’d get to work. Jesse always had to come over to talk me down. Then we’d both be late or miss work. None of my bosses understood that I NEED personal days and late days. If they wanted my best work, they needed to allow this from me. This is all considered a disability, but do they care? No.

I decided to step away from my really well paid job, because I thought my mental health is more important than this job. I don’t want my career to be the cause of my suicide. I’m more than that. I kept hoping that Havenly would take wayyy off, and I’d be able to afford to quit my job. But I could not wait that long.

Flash forward to a month in for Havenly, and I’m struggling personally financially. I’m late for my car payment, my bank froze until I can pay back some debts, and I’m surviving off of watermelon and Dr. Pepper. The other week, I paid for a loaf of bread with coins. I have the flu and can’t see a doctor. And I’m sure majority of you guys are thinking, “stop whining and get a job.” Well, Havenly is a full time job, and it actually makes me happy.

I have never been more optimistic, determined, and productive. I actually get out of bed and put my all into Havenly every single day. I know I’m struggling now, and it’s really hard when some days I don’t even get an order, but I don’t want to give up. I’m going to push through with Havenly. I have never felt so passionate and mentally secure with life until now. And what keeps me happy about it, is helping others on the way. I feel like I’m not doing enough for you all and the world as much as I have the potential to. But helping out in the littlest ways, can help others in the biggest ways. To hear a women say, “you’re helping me with life,” is an encouraging sentence that continues to make Havenly.

I said at the beginning that this wasnt a positive blog post, but writing this is helping me cope. I’m feeling a lot better sharing this. A lot of you guys keep asking me how you can support Havenly Creations. Like, comment, share, write your story, read my blog, donate to our cause. You never know who is listening, watching, and needed to hear what I’ve said. But the biggest way you can help, is purchasing from Havenly and bringing in that donation/support for Havenly to continue on with helping others !! ❤

I hope as you’re reading this, you see that I am going to be the most genuine person I can be. I dont want to put a facade on anymore, I want to be me again. So if that me is blunt and a pessimist, I’m gonna show it. I hope you take something from this, or don’t. I just needed to do this for me and to learn from myself. I love you guys with all my heart!

xo,

Becca


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