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Harder days to come

Rebecca Paxman

I have had quite a few people messaging me asking me how I live my life with all that I have been through. I always say, “Don’t get me wrong, it’s really hard to continue sometimes. I still have bad days.“ And that is the truth! I hope you all see that I am not perfect on Instagram and Facebook. I have worked hard to have the mental state that I have. I’m talking 10 days in a psych hospital, thousands of hours of therapy with several different therapist, and that includes group therapy. I’m on three different types of medications. Dr. Pepper is medicinal for me. And my boyfriend, who is really the best person for me and my mental health, has to go through everything with me.

Yesterday was a really bad mental day for me. I woke up feeling okay, but I got a phone call that just made me upset and confused. That was probably my trigger right there. The rest of the day I laid in bed and stared at the wall. Jesse, my boyfriend, tried to get me to go out for a walk, eat, or visit with his mom. But I couldn’t move.

My dad called me for Father’s Day. Right away he knew I wasn’t doing okay. He said some encouraging words that made me well enough to eat dinner. As soon as I went back to my room, I laid down and was back to where I was before. I was left alone the rest of the evening. With minutes passing by, I got really anxious.

I could just feel the pain coming on more and more. I was irritable, restless, and yelling at anything and everything that was in my way. I was going to have a panic attack. With my medication, they really bring my emotions down and make it hard for crying let alone a panic attack. I could feel all the warning signs it was coming, but I didn’t think it would come. I felt like I needed to break something. My chest was getting tighter. Usually when I know I am in a really bad place mentally, Jesse stays the night. I told him that I was feeling like I could hurt myself.

As soon as we went to bed, I freaked out on him and ran out my apartment door. I just needed to relieve some of my anger, so I started to run. Jesse went following after me. I was just so upset and wanted to push him away from helping me. I feared I would lose him as a boyfriend or hurt his feelings. I didn’t want him to go after me. I tried running around my complex to lose him. But even though I had a good 5 min start ahead of him, he was always behind me. He was yelling for me to stop and was saying he wanted to help me. He was afraid something bad would happen to me. My mind was thinking, “Then let me go, then someone would come get me and kill me because I don’t want to live with this pain anymore.” As soon as we both made it around my complex a few times, I jumped in my car and locked my door. Jesse pleaded with me to open the doors, but I didn’t. Instead, I let the panic attack surface and go through. I don’t know how long it was. Felt like an hour to me. I was sobbing, rocking, and crying out in pain.

It was 1AM and I still couldn’t handle all the emotions I was feeling. I started to drive off with Jesse just hanging on to the window of my car. He was pounding on the window, and then jumped on the hood of my car before I could get any further. I gave up and unlocked the door. He jumped in and I fled off. I drove into a parking lot not too far away and broke down again. This time I was so angry with myself, I took my car keys and harmEd myself. Jesse has been with me and my countless go panic attacks. He knows how to get to me when I am in this state of mind. I don’t know how he does it, but he got the keys away from me and me into his arms.

It must have been 2AM when he took me out of the driver seat and walked me into the passenger seat. He drove me home put me into bed and I cried some more in his arms. I kept apologizing and he just continued to soothe me. I fell asleep eventually and woke up to Jesse bringing me breakfast.

Today, I have been a lot better mentally. I’m disappointed at the scratches I made on my arms. But I’m doing great otherwise. Like I said, I have bad days too. This was a really bad day. I’m not perfect. I’m not 100% okay, and I won’t be without therapy and my meds. We all are different and need what is best for ourselves mentally, but we all need help. My life isn’t healed, my mental health isn’t healed, I am not healed in anyway. And I probably won’t ever be. I’m just taking it one day at a time. Because I’ve made it through so many harder moments in my life, I know I can survive more harder moments to come. I just need to continue getting the help I need and keep Jesse around because, man, he’s the best thing that has ever happened to me. ❤️

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