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I believed it was all my fault

Rebecca Paxman

I know a lot of you wonderful women are hitting my DMs. And I just want to say sorry for the scare but thank you for your kind words. I had a REALLY hard day yesterday. And I wanted to share with you the reality of what I have to deal with on the reg. It’s so freakin hard being so forward and honest. I get panic attacks and take things down so quickly. So much had popped up financially and then as well as trigger wise. Yesterday, I was blamed for my rape by someone close to my heart. And for a long minute there, I believed those words through and through. After all, I am the one who agreed to meet up with him. I am the one who met the stranger online. I am the one fully believing that this was a great man because of his religion and beliefs. But.... a part of me had to take a breather and let out some tears, to realize I could not have prevented anything. It was HIM who could have prevented everything. I was talking with a lovely survivor yesterday, and we both were saying how hard it is to be a women in a man world. It’s so true! I remember fighting men away from dates in high school because I was too scared to be alone with them. I avoid checkout lanes if a man is working the register. I hated being alone with any male coworkers, which many have had been reported to HR by me. Married men text me to “get some”. And lastly, just to be avoided at all costs, I ate everything in sight so I would be overweight! I stopped wearing makeup, I went back to my natural hair and chopped it off, and I wore the baggiest of clothes so that I would go unnoticed by any man. Granted maybe not all men are trying to assault us, but majority of the time just their actions and words remind me that I have been assaulted before. I don’t like catcalls, ”you are hot, u up?” texts, or even a simple brush of the hand against my waist. I have had many old men, young men, wasted men touch my butt and boobs casually. Why is this the world we live in? I have been assaulted way more times than I can count. And I should not need to count at all. I know not all men are bad. I have an amazing supportive boyfriend and a really loving father who help me all the time. But the amount of women coming to me to tell me their story is sad. We need to stand up and scream louder for our protection. Rapes should be taken more seriously. And I know my voice won’t be loud enough, but if more of you tell your story maybe we can make a difference. Your rape was not your fault. My rape is not my fault. We deserve peace and justice for these things that are out of our control, all because a man was more selfish for his needs than for our lives.

love you,


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