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The reason I didn’t share my whole story...

Rebecca Paxman

Okay I‘m sharing my story first! So you’re reading this thinking, “Didn’t you already tell your story?” I did, but with little to no detail of the actual event that happened. I didn’t want the ‘About Me‘ page be full of graphic details so that everyone would read my trauma and define me as my rape. I am not my rape. My rapist has no control over me now. He took ONE very long night and ONE very hard year. The reason I shared the other version is because I simply wanted to share the reason behind Havenly. But here I will really share my details. Now like many, I’ve lost details and I’ve gained details since.

Flashback to October 26, 2017 I was 22, and wanting to find a husband (I’m from Utah everyone is married young). My dad always discouraged me from online dating. And he’s right. Too many catfish in a sea of fish to tell what’s what. But it was 2017, and I knew no guy was man enough to ask me out to my face. I downloaded Bumble and swiped right on every cute single man. There was one man in particular that I did NOT swipe right on, not because I didn’t find him cute, he just hadn’t appeared on the app for me. He found me on Snapchat. Creepy right?! Curse me for having a simple username!! My instagram was linked so he found all info about me through there. Red Flag, Beck! He said he found me on Bumble, did a little investigation and found my Snapchat. I ignored him for a good four months. I was creeped out. But I still looked into his stories, curiously. And he was VERY persistent, he did not give up! He couldn’t take a hint. He sent snaps and messages begging for a date. I’ll admit, he wasn’t bad looking at all. He was my type. Tall-standing at 7’ something. Buff- he posted videos of him training to be a body builder. And lastly, he was the same religion as me and I knew my dad would approve of him and his studies. Finally, 6 months later when swiping, I came across him.... Brendon was his name. I swiped right. And that’s when my life turned completely around. We talked here and there and I found him charming. I had just gotten out of a relationship not too many weeks before this, so I was taking it very casually. He said he understood and asked if I’d at least be willing to go get ice cream and get to know each other. I accepted and decided that I shouldn’t meet him in private. A public place would be safer, he couldn’t hurt me there. So we decided he would pick me up after work @7pm and go on a date. That night I was nervous, not because he was cute, but because I was uneasy. He picked me up in his truck and as soon as I jumped in, his right hand slid down my shirt and his left hand pinned me down. He said he wouldn’t hurt me. But he would if I didn’t obey. So I did what any other girl might do... I obeyed. We got into the back of his truck. It had a camper on it with very dark tinting. We were still parked in my work’s parking lot. Now this building was on a very busy street. But still isolated enough that no one would notice us. There he ripped off my clothes, and called me a dirty whore.

Now, like I said in my other story, I was raped at 18. Instantly I was triggered. I don’t member much of the night. But I think, unfortunately, I remember the worst parts the most. Now I am going to go graphic from here on out. Don’t read further if you believe you will get triggered. ****you can pick up reading on the next asterisks****

I remember the moon, it wasn’t quite full yet. There were lots of clouds. I remember just staring at that moon, crying and praying that I could be somewhere else. He fisted me, raped me, then stuck items up me-I don’t want to know what. And then he raped me again. This time it was more violent. He bit, scratched, grabbed, and bruised me all over my body. And from the very beginning to end of it all, he was holding me down by my throat.

At one point, my coworker‘s husband came to pick her up. My predator stopped what he was doing and dropped over on top of me. In a few short minute, a flashlight was peeping into the windows. The husband was looking to see what was going on. I was happy! God answered my prayers and someone was going to save me! But after just a minute, the husband walked away. How he did not see anything, is beyond me. At that moment, I lost all hope and faith in a God. In my mind I was thinking, “This is it. This is the end of my life. He will never let me go. I just want him to kill me. I don’t want to ever live again. My blood will be on his hands.” And then I said it out loud. “Just kill me already!” He stopped, looked at me and his demeanor changed. He felt his power slipping away as he realized I was going along with Every. Single. Thing. But soon it was replaced with anger. The hands around my neck went tighter, and then eventually everything went black. Dark. I wish I could say that an angel appeared to me and said everything was going to be okay. I wish I could say that my life flashed before my eyes. But it was just still darkness, and it was peaceful.

****I came to 20 miles south of my job in a gas station parking lot. It was around 12pm. I was crying, and my throat was tight. I sat there a moment confused on what happened and where I was. To this day, I don’t remember how I got there or how I got away and survived. I called my friend, Jesse, to rescue me. We went to his apartment, I was too scared to go to my sister’s and have her see me the way that I was. I was not ready to face anything. I just needed sleep. I got in Jesse’s shower, and I watched the blood run down the drain as I cried. Jesse took me to get me new underwear, something to help me stop bleeding, and pajamas. He got me a double-double at In-N-Out and I cried in his arms eating probably the best burger I’ve ever had. I did not sleep that night. I couldn’t really even tell Jesse what exactly happened. But he didn’t ask questions he just got me what I needed. The next day I walked into the ER alone, I turned around and walked back out. I took time off work to recover. I was covered in bruises and I hid them well. No one knew. No one noticed anything out of the ordinary. Not that I could hardly walk, or the bruises on my neck.

It took me a week and a half to get the courage to go to the YWCA. I took my cousin with me, and I did the full exam and questioning. The nurses there didn’t do their reassuring well by stating that, “This is one of the worst rapes we’ve seen.” Yes, almost two weeks after the rape, they still got plenty of evidence. I went on to Snapchat to see that this Brendon’s account was deleted. As well as all the conversations on Bumble. I tried looking through all the Brendon’s on Facebook to find him. But there was no Brendon.

The next few days were scary as I was constantly looking behind me. He knew where I worked. He could come back anytime. I didn’t sleep much, always afraid of night terrors and waking up to him on top of me again. I attempted suicide a few times, so I went to the psychiatric hospital. I was safe there. I slept for probably two days straight. No one could get me. The hospital took good care of me there. I was out in 10 days. And I felt a lot better mentally and not suicidal at all. But I knew that he was out there. And I fear that he could read this and actually kill me someday. But I’m here, I’m alive, and I want the world to know that assaults aren’t just something to sweep under the rug. Rape is a crime. And there needs to be punishment for it. If he’s out there, he’s doing it to other women and may actually take someone away from this world. He did not kill me. And that is because God said, “You need to make a difference in this world.” So here I’m going to stand up and fight to save other people from living through this kind of torment. Some days are easier than others. And I constantly need reassurance that I’m supposed to be alive. But that friend of mine, Jesse, he is my boyfriend now. Hopefully, maybe, one day my husband. He helps me heal. Havenly will continue to help me heal. And I KNOW with all my heart, I need to be an advocate ❤️

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